Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day!

I have a confession to make.  I actually love Valentine's Day and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship.  I didn't have a boyfriend or even a guy I was dating until my junior year of high school, so for me, Valentine's Day was always about either showing my friends how much I loved them or hanging out and watching rom-coms and thinking hopefully about the future.  I've never understood the people who get down on themselves because they don't have someone on Valentine's Day because... it's just a day.  Kind of a stupid day, since REALLY the best relationships are the ones where the relationship is celebrated and shown attention and love throughout the entire year.  Reserving one day for over the top "romantic" gestures so that the rest of the year the relationship could be taken for granted, to me, always seemed pretty anti-romantic.  

But I thought I'd take the opportunity to talk a bit about relationships and stuff on the blog because I realized something recently... I get a lot of comments accusing me of being a man (because of the roughness of some of my stories) or gay (because of the anal), but no one on the Loving Wives category ever accuses me of being an unfaithful wife or a slut or anything like that.  I wonder if it's because they all think that I'm a man or because of something else.

The truth of the matter is, I've thought about men other than the one I'm in a relationship with.  I've been in two relationships in my entire life, both lasting over 6 years (and I'm hoping the current one is going to last for the rest of my life) and of course I have the "is the grass greener on the other side?" thoughts.  Sometimes I talk with some of my friends who seem to be under the impression that if their boyfriend was really "the one," then they wouldn't have those thoughts.

And that's what the commercial celebration of Valentine's day through movies and romance novels and fictional characters and plot lines have done to us.  I scoff whenever I read a book or watch a movie where a woman insists that there's only ONE man in the entire world for her, that once she meets him she never feels that way about any other man, and she can't possibly ever get over him.  Harlequins where the woman never sleeps with another man (esp while the man is out sleeping with multiple women) during the ten year period that they're apart make me gag.  I also scoff now whenever I hear that old "you never get over your first love" thing, because trust me... I'm over him.  Every so often we hang out, because we have several long-time friends still in common (which happens when you're together for over six years), and while I remember how passionately in love with him I used to be, how desperately I wanted to get back together with him for the first year and a half after we broke up (even after I met and started dating hubby), I don't feel that way now.  So I know, first hand, that it IS possible to get over your first love.  

Trust me, it's not a case of me not having really been in love with him.  I wouldn't have put up with half the amount of shit I did if I hadn't been.  I still care about him.  I like knowing that good things are happening in his life.  But I have absolutely no interest in him.  I'm not even physically attracted to him anymore.

Anyway.  The grass is greener.  Back to that.  

Something that I try to show in my books is that relationships are about choices.  We, men and woman, can find someone other than our current partner attractive.  We can even fantasize about them.  And that's normal.  It's okay.  It doesn't mean that we're going to cheat or that things with our current partner aren't meant to be.  It's just human nature to wonder 'what if.'  Hell, after I got married, the number of fantasies I've had about other men has increased exponentially. 

But it's never going to happen.  Because I don't want it to.  Because I love my husband.  And because, whenever I start wondering if the grass is greener, I remember all the reasons why I married him in the first place.  I'm kind of high maintenance.  Not in a money way.  But I need a lot of physical affection.  I'm extremely social and, while I'm independent, I do prefer it if my partner comes with me to at least the majority of the things I go to - a lot of which involve dressing up in outfits that make us look ridiculous.  I also am a complete nerd, bibliophile, marathon the same tv shows over and over again (I can't tell you how many times I've re-watched Doctor Who at this point), and want to play the same games over and over again.  And he puts up with all that, quite enthusiastically. Oh, and the ballroom dancing.  And a million other things.

I know that there's not a lot of men out there that would be able to put up with all that, much less enjoy it.  And excel at it.  Plus, he's pretty fantastic about not taking me for granted since he also came from a long-term relationship where he was taken for granted a lot of the time. 

I think that a lot of the time, when people get into trouble in their relationships, it's because they have unrealistic expectations, a lack of communication and possibly an honesty problem.  Our partners aren't mind readers.  They aren't always going to be perfect.  And loving someone doesn't mean that you'll never be attracted to or fantasize about someone else.  The problems come when you choose to start flirting or to hide things from your partner.  I have no problem with hubby going through my phone or email and he has no problem doing the same.  Sometimes I hear people saying "That's such a violation of privacy!" and I wonder what they have to hide.  Sometimes I hear people bitching about how they didn't get an immediate text back or how their boyfriend didn't plan something amazing for their anniversary or for Valentine's day - while ignoring the fact that he's constantly showering them with attention throughout the year, and I think about how ungrateful they are for taking all that other stuff for granted and not appreciating it.  I hear people bitching about how the marriage proposal wasn't everything they thought it should be - not that they clued their partner in to what they wanted - or how the ring wasn't big enough and I pretty much never talk to them again because I have no interest in being friends with someone who cares more about the size of the ring or whether or not they thought enough attention was showered on them during a proposal than they do about the relationship they're in and the fact that someone loves them enough to want to spend the rest of their life with them.  

Valentine's Day tends to make people think that there are certain romantic gestures that, if they aren't done, means you aren't loved.  And that's B.S.  Hubby and I still do something together on Vday... this year I kinda wanted to go see Robocop, but we're going dancing instead.  But mostly, we just remember what we appreciate about each other throughout the rest of the year and enjoy having a date night together.  Sometimes he gets me flowers.  Sometimes he doesn't.  I usually get him a card with some kind of dirty joke on it.  And sometimes I get some fancy lingerie and sometimes I don't.  But I can't remember a single time we've ever had a 'bad' Valentine's day and I think it's because neither of us expects any of those things and so we aren't 'devastated' if it doesn't happen.

Not that I think there's anything wrong with going all out and celebrating Valentine's day with all the tropes, it can be a lot of fun.  But I will never understand the people that there is something wrong with their relationship if they don't get a major celebration on February 14, especially if their relationships is good for the rest of the year.


  1. The best present your ever loving husband can get you on this day for lover's called Valentine's Day, is giving you 'six of the best'. Six of the veru best strokes of a pliable stinging cane, across your voluptuous naked rear end.

    1. Yowsa!!! Never done the cane =) But I did get at least six of something else =D

  2. Love reading your blog and loved reading this post! :) Don't want to get into personal details, but it's really nice to read another woman say what you're saying. Been married 10 years and wish I had had this kind of insight at the beginning of my marriage!

  3. Thank you so much for this post, everything you said is just so true! I've been married for almost 10 years and we don't really do set presents for any holiday or birthday, instead we surprise each other throughout the year. We have 2 kiddos and honestly Valentine's is more about our family as a whole. It means more and is so much hotter when hubby surprises me with kids spending the night at their Auntie's house (actually it's usually less a surprise and more a command LOL)! ;)