Thursday, February 9, 2017

My Terrible Bad Shark Movie Addiction Begins

February is going to be the month of bad shark movies for me, I can already tell.  Just in case anyone else gets bitten by the bug, I figured I'd start reviewing the ones I've been watching.:

Shark Lake
I had high hopes for this one because it had Dolph Lundgren in it.  I watched this the same night as Avalanche Sharks and Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark.  Despite the higher quality of acting, cinematography, and plot from the other movies, I found it to be the least enjoyable.  It was too mediocre to be a good movie or a bad movie and Hubby and I found ourselves fairly bored while watching it.  The plot/acting wasn't good enough to keep us engaged and the sharks attacks weren't bad (or constant) enough to be the enjoyable, schockly B-horror movie quality we were looking for.  It was like they aimed for Jaws and so went over the Sharknado territory but never quite hit "good movie" territory.
Final Thought: Not bad enough to be part of a bad shark movie night

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark
Bad... oh god it was so bad it was almost good.  The quality was not helped by Hubby's absolute fury at the technology explanations sprinkled throughout the movie (basic technical jargon that, if you have any sort of technological knowledge apparently made absolutely NO sense, as I was informed multiple times).  We also didn't realize that this was the third such movie being made, which means we missed out on lots of character building (I assume) and the beginning of the movie jumped straight into the action.  I was pretty okay with it jumping straight into the action.  The action was hilariously, gloriously bad and by the time Mecha Shark is on land and causing all sorts of havoc, Hubby had given up on anything in the world making sense and I was dying laughing.  I would recommend watching this after a couple of drinks, especially if you have any working knowledge of computers, robotics, or physics.  Hubby declared it more nonsensical than Sharknado.
Final Thought: I really want to see the first two now

Avalanche Sharks
I enjoyed this movie a stupid amount.  Even hubby enjoyed this movie, if I use the term "enjoy" loosely, although I'm not sure he wasn't just beaten into submission by this point as it was the third movie we'd watched that evening after Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark and Shark Lake.  The story is hilariously improbable - not only are these snow sharks, but we immediately discover they're GHOST snow sharks.  Amazing.  One of the main characters has "made up" a story about the mountain where he and the other characters (can't remember anyone's name - totally unimportant) are traveling to, and of course the story he's made up is actually totally real.  The sharks are huge, bloody, and hilarious.  The death scenes are entertainingly schlocky.  The cinematography is awful and hilarious (a series of nature shots that goes on for like a minute, switching every ten seconds or so... is it time passing? is it just nature?  can they possibly show another one? - yes! Yes they can!). The acting is good enough to be bad-good and there's plenty of hilarity to be had.
Final Thought: So far, this one is definitely my favorite.

3 Headed Shark-Attack
Hubby's first comment when he looked up to see what I was putting on was "Danny Trejo and Rob Van Dam"?!  We shouldn't have gotten our hopes up that they would help.  Although Danny Trejo was definitely the highlight (and the best actor) in the movie.  It was so, so, so bad, to the point where it was just pushing being too bad to be enjoyable.  They do start the movie off right, with lots of bewbs, almost as an apology for what you're about to watch.  Rob Van Dam doesn't bring any of his WWE charisma, unfortunately (he's totally got his boring baby-face on the entire movie).  Danny Trejo is a total badass, but not in nearly enough of the movie.  What saves the movie is the absolute ridiculous antics of the three-headed shark and its totally implausibility when it comes to attacks, which are fantastically awesomely awful.  There's even a twist in the movie, which nearly had me crying with laughter.
Final Thought: Not for the faint of heart - have alcohol on hand in case you can't take it.

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